Defining Moments...

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago...I've changed.  I think I'm constantly changing.

Yesterday we Kayaked Buffalo Bayou from Memorial Park to downtown Houston.  It took 4 hours to kayak about 8 miles.  Occasionally there was a cool breeze but mostly it was a hot sticky day.  When we completed the trek, the owner of Buffalo Bayou Shuttles told us the bayou is constantly changing.  You never know when the bayou will be too shallow, or blocked by tree logs, or if there will be a current to carry you or not.  Unfortunately for us, our day had little or no current making for a lot of paddling to get us to our destination.  His point about the bayou is that it is not clearly defined.

This morning I was listening to a song by the Christian band Telecast:

O' Lord I want to lie down - So that You'll pick me up
I've been defined by being found - By Your perfect love
And so I'll pick up my cross - And follow hard after You
Your grace is more than enough - Please help me get through

Teach me to die - That You might live and reign inside
This heart of mine - Is Yours to keep
And Yours to define - Yours to define

I always knew God was the "designer" of my being but had not give much thought to the idea that God is also who "defines" who I am....and re-defines who I am.  

I've had a difficult time over the past few years keeping up with all of the changes rapidly coming at me.  My kids have flown the nest officially, I've  made a big career change and had a harder time adjusting than I thought I would, my church is not the same and on and on just driving home the point - my definition of who I am is changing.  And sometimes I feel stuck - like I just can't catch a current to carry me through.  It makes me want to be anywhere but where I am.

So, I googled "God defines" and found this scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:17 (the Message).  Paul is talking to the church about whether to marry or not but the words hit home to me in this paraphrase version for my current situation...

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else.  Where you are right now is God's place for you.  Live and obey and love and believe right there.  God, not your marital status, [nor anything else for that matter] defines your life."

The Bayou trip - We made it!  I had a little help towards the end.  But it was such a unique experience that most Houstonians will never know.  It was worth the sweat and a few aching muscles.  It won't be the same journey tomorrow - with rains and run-off - the bayou will be re-defined.   And so will I.

   

She's not my dog!

About a year ago, two young pups were left abondaned in my "neighborhood".  I live in a cow pasture/oilfield where there only about 5 or 6 houses spread out over a mile or two.  These two dogs were left roaming the dirt roads when they were probably just a few months old.  One was red and the other looked sort of like a cross between a German Shephard and something else - I'm not really a dog person so I have no idea.  Anyway...the red dog disappeared and the the blonde one wound up at my house.  My husband and I tried to "scare" her off but we feed our cats outside and I imagine she was getting something to eat so she hung around. 

My daughter's fiance, (at the time) made friends with the stray and even named her, "Daisy".  Austin decided  they would take the dog after he and Jennifer got married if we could keep her until then.  (Keep her? - we couldn't make her go away).  So, we went from chasing her away to feeding her, playing with her, taking her to the vet and "getting her fixed" as responsible pet owners do, (although there is plenty we don't do that responsible pet owners do, put her on a leash, fence the yard, etc). 

It's been a year, the wedding has come and gone, and Daisy still lives at our house.  "It would be wrong to move her now - she's at home here, with room to run around," we hear.  Don't get me wrong, Daisy is a good dog: Cute, very loyal, can obey simple commands, takes us on walks that turn into "runs", runs off our cats, carries the patio chair cusions out in the yard.  You could say, she's grown on us. 

But, "she's not my dog".  I didn't pick her out.  I didn't name her.  I didn't even decide to have a dog.  Yet here she is!  And here she stays.  And I'm somewhere in the middle...

I'm somewhere in the middle. She's a good dog, not much trouble but with having a dog comes responsibility and I didn't ask for it.  Seeing the good and the bad is like trying to be "the equalizer", "the balancer" and yet it feels wrong for me to be "in the middle".  Take a stance - choose a side.  (politics, religion, relationships).  I can't do it - because I can always see the other side.  There always seems to be another side.  Things for me won't fit neatly into black and white and it feels wrong.   Am I filling the gap, bridging the divide or am I "being lukewarm" and uncommitted?

Daisy's plight is like that of many people - she didn't ask to be abandoned, homeless, unwanted.  She just found herself here through whatever circumstance.  I often wonder where she came from...was she lost or just dropped off.  She has good qualities and short-comings that are unique and universal.  She wants to belong and I think she wants to have purpose - that's why she chases my cats every time she sees me.  What am I to do...ignore her, push her away, institutionalize her, euthanize her?  Keep her?  How many pets can I have...more on that in later posts.  If I was going to be a dog owner, I'd certainly want to be more invested than I am now and yet, I don't want anything to happen to her.  I'm not looking for a new home for Daisy.

I don't know what to do about those people anymore than I know what to do about Daisy and I am in the middle.  I want to help but I don't know how.  I want them to find belonging but I don't want to commit. It's too messy. And yet, I can't just walk away.  Shouldn't they fix their own problems?        

Yes, I know there are absolutes - but for me there are many things that just don't fit.  That just are...and what do you do about those things....for now...Daisy lives at our house and in many ways, she is home.

                                                                                                Cindy's Angst.